Thinking In The Dark : When Everything Is Just Too Much

Everything has been too much today. I’m depressed, exhausted and all my senses are way too overloaded. Even the mumbled noise of people talking in another room is making me twitch.

Saga has been screaming in my face for the past twelve hours, I can’t get my stupid septum ring out of my stupid nose, my heartbeat is too damn slow and having an impact on my circulation and I’m just on the verge of cracking up. I really want to listen to Mariee Sioux’s new album, but I don’t have the will, which is the saddest fucking thing.

My brain is just saying ‘nope’ whenever I need it to do something for me and my head feels heavy and sore. I haven’t smiled properly in forever and I’m missing the manic me. It’s been depressed me for so long.

So after I’ve posted this, I’m making a hot and excessively sugary cup of tea and making an attempt at getting some reading done so I can try and re-fucking-lax.

But there are good things happening and it helps to write them down and remind myself when I’m feeling as low as I am today. Here’s a little list:

  • I’ve finished putting together my new book My Heart Is A Forest and it’s being proofread while I write this.
  • Meghan and I are close to completing the debut Cave Mouth album HEX.
  • I’m going to be performing at DiVerse and Folklines in July.
  • Arctic Fever is going to have a special edition tape release.
  • I’m collaborating with one of my favourite artists (Skogens Rymd) on a book about dark folklore in Northern Europe.
  • I’m close to completing a novel in verse inspired by my poem My Father The Wendigo.
  • I have a new Patron.
  • My hair is black again.
  • I discovered Fleabag and really, really enjoyed it.
  • I found a like-new, absolutely solid tripod in the charity shop for £6.99.
  • I managed to get 18 notebooks for £2. (I’m going to be doing a post where I customize the covers, so look out for that!)
  • I bought a really nice load of seeded bread for the reduced price of 50p.
  • I also managed to buy enough vegan snacks to last me for ten days for £1.60. (Snacks are so fucking essential to my day I can’t even…Also, can you tell how important bargains are for me? I live for bargains.)
  • I’ve read 38 books so far this year.
  • Thistles are flowering.
  • Pinterest exists.

I’ve always been a fan of Pinterest. It’s been a calm and inspiring place to be of late, and it’s where I go online when I just want a moment to de-fuse. I thought I’d share some of what I’ve seen today to round off this post.

Nicholas Alan Cope and Dustin Edward Arnold

MRI Scan Of A Mother & Baby
Madlyne van Looy
Tim Walker
Tim Walker
Fall Of Efrafa
Nicola Samori
Unknown

2 thoughts on “Thinking In The Dark : When Everything Is Just Too Much”

  1. Ooof. I feel you on the brain asserting its nope-ish ways, sometimes. And it’s frustrating when the tried-and-true nope-busters, like walking, for example, don’t want to work! I think making a list of recent accomplishments is an excellent way to bolster yourself during these times, and friend, that is quite a list! You’ve got some GREAT stuff going on!

    P.S. The tattooed legs are by Madlyne van Looy https://www.tattoodo.com/studios/Madlyne_van_Looy_Tattoo_Art , and it looks like your other unknown is album art for the band Fall of Elfrafa (man, I wish bands would include artist credit in their liner notes! ) https://amzn.to/2XCrphb

    1. I felt a little bit lighter after I’d written those accomplishments down. Thank you for being so damn sweet and so bloody kind! You encouraged a smile this evening. ❤ And a big, BIG thank you for the artist info. Will put it in right away! X

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